


After the Fire

by qupecupid



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Crying, F/M, Flashbacks, I totally ship them I hope they find happiness, Post-Book: Carry On, anyone who wants to date a vampire should be allowed to date a vampire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 07:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15019976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qupecupid/pseuds/qupecupid
Summary: After the war, Fiona considers rekindling a relationship, and reflects on one night in her past. The night after her sister died. She happened to run into an old friend.





	After the Fire

FIONA

 

I can only pray you’ll forgive me for speaking to Nicodemus again after all this. I haven’t tried to talk to him ever. I tried to keep my distance. He was stricken. I respected that. I respected you, Natasha.

But after you died, there was one night I gave in. Crowley, I think I was twenty-four. That was a lifetime ago. I was without a big sister for the first time in my life and I had no idea what to do. Baz was asleep in your office. He was in bad shape. He was… well, he was dead. Malcolm was a mess. Didn’t leave the baby’s side, and Baz really was a baby. I couldn’t handle all the crying. All the condolences. All the fucking cards. So I went out. I needed to get out of the house. It was hollow without you. A cold furnace. So I went out driving.

I didn’t really think about where I was going but I ended up on the road to London. I went to the Thames, threw rocks, tried not to cry. I went to a pub. I got rather wasted actually, for the first time in a while. But I kept to myself, in corner tables and a coat. I was walking back to my car when I saw him. I think he had seen me long before that.

I thought at first that it wasn’t him. It couldn’t be him. But I would know the scruffy blonde hair anywhere.

All the shops were closed, so I couldn't simply slip away. I see myself lean against a bolted door, taking out a cigarette. I think that if I just keep my head down he’ll have the sense not to talk to me. He won’t hurt me, I know. He wouldn’t dare try.

I’m holding the cig between my teeth, digging in my pockets for a match. I look around. I look up. And he’s right there. I could have cried, Tasha. He was just as handsome as I remembered him. Scrappy and sleep deprived and fucking beautiful. I would pick him over McJaggger any day. I thought I was over him. But in that moment I could have been sixteen again, a kid sneaking out to snog the likely love of her life. And now he was a vampire.

He keeps his distance. He probably doesn’t want to scare me off, which is bullshit because he knows better than anyone that nothing scares me. Nothing except how much I want to kiss him right now.

“Need a light?” He says to me in his stupid east London accent.

“Yeah.” I say in my posh one.

He leans on the wall next to me, just close enough to extend his lighter. Lord knows why he has one, he’s flammable now. So is little Baz. All the people I love die. Some of them just stick around. I feel a tear streak down my ruddy cheek. My hand is shaking, but I manage to light my cigarette. I take a long drag. More tears. I don’t even know what I’m crying about at this point. The world's gone to shit.

“Thanks.” I hand it back. Maybe now he’ll go away. Maybe I can pretend this never happened. I would get arrested if anyone knew, maybe even killed. I toy with the idea a bit. Being properly dead might not be too bad. Then I start crying again.

I look over at him, I can’t help it. I’m surprised he’s not dead. Or a pile of ashes, whatever the fuck happens to vampires. I’m twenty fucking four. This is supposed to be the time of my life. Not my time of dying.

“Nice shoes.” He says. He’s looking right back at me. He’s looking at me the way he’s always looked at me. I won’t even try to describe it. It would hurt too much.

“Thanks.” I say again. I look down at my shoes. I’m wearing docs. I’d forgotten. I look back up. I take a deep breath.

“Nicky, it’s-“ I have to clear my throat as more tears leak from my eyes. “It’s Natasha.” I choke on the name.

“I know.” He says. Of course he knows. It’s probably big fucking vampire news. He’s such a cunt. This is all such bullshit. And I never used to be this bitter, but here we fucking are. I can’t do this. This was never supposed to happen. I can’t do this.

I lean closer to him, then I just throw myself into his arms. He catches me, I know he would. And I’m sobbing. I can’t help it. We sink to the ground as I cry bitterly into his jacket. He smells like blood and cheap cologne and I can’t care because at least he’s still here. At least he’s still mine, if only for a few minutes. He’s strokes my hair. I think he still loves me. I still love him. I don’t think I could stop if I tried.

“I’m sorry, Fiona.” He says.

“So am I.”

I feel him plant a kiss on my head.

Bless him and his kisses. Or curse him. I don’t know anymore. I only know one thing: I miss you, Natasha. I miss you so fucking much.

I sit up to look at him.

“She’s gone, Nicky. She’s fucking dead.” I’m barely audible through the tears. “I don’t- I don’t understand why- _why_?” I’m deteriorating. He pulls me back into his arms. I bury my face in his chest. I know I shouldn’t, especially not now, but I missed him. Aleister Crowley, I missed him. I just stay propped up against him and try to breathe. Just breathe.

In a few minutes I get a hold of myself. I sit up and press my palms to my eyes.

“You should go.” He says. “Before someone sees you.”

“You never worried about getting caught when we were kids.” I manage.

“Fiona.” He pulls at my name.

“I don’t care if I get caught, I’ve got nothing keeping me.”

“Don’t say that.” He stands up and extends a hand. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

I take it and stand. I’m a bit wobbly at the knees.

“You’ve been drinking?”

“Not more than I can handle.”

“You can’t handle more than three pints.”

“Just walk me back.” I would have smiled, but I don’t think I could just then.

I held his arm all the three blocks to my car.

“Why are you out here, anyway?” I ask. “Do you live around here?”

“I shouldn’t tell you that, you’ll just get into more trouble.”

“Like you’ve ever been the model citizen.”

He smiles a bit. I’m sure he missed me.

“Not right here. Covent Garden.” He says.

“Vampires at Covent Garden?” I’m surprised.

“Keep your voice down, Fi. And yes.” He looks at me sideways. I look back.

“Sounds _lovely_.” I say

We don’t say much else after that. But part way down the street, I lean my head to his shoulder. We must look like a couple on a midnight stroll. We might be just that.

Then we get to my car. I fish out my keys and turn to face him.

“Thank you.” I say.

“No problem.” He says. I can see his teeth, or lack thereof.

We’re quiet.

“Don’t look for me.” He says.

“Oh, how _dramatic_. Bold of you to assume I’d look for you, anyway.”

“I know you.” He does. All too well.

“Alright. I won’t look for you. Happy?”

He barks a laugh. “Not at all.”

I think about asking him to come back. I think about running away with him. We could travel Europe, travel the world, escape to-

He’s a vampire.

I can’t run away with a vampire.

I can’t run away.

Baz needs me, even if no one else does.

I put a hand to Nicky’s face. It’s cold to the touch. Then I lean forward. I kiss him on the cheek. He smells more like himself, then. I can feel him exhale. And I take a step back.

“Goodnight, Nicky.” I say it as though I’ll be seeing him again in the morning. It would be too painful to say it any other way.

“Night, Fiona.” He says. I slip my hand out of his.

I get in my car.

I drive away.

Drive all the way back to the house.

I don’t cry anymore.

My hair still smells like smoke. And Nicky.

I was twenty four.

I can only hope you’ll forgive me, Natasha.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I totally cried writing this. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading it all the way to here if you did. It’s not snowbaz so I’m happy if it gets any attention at all! Please comment with any thoughts you have. I am always trying to improve. And, as always, thank you for reading!  
> \- Stella


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